Thursday, 26 September 2013

I'll be seeing you

                     
Autumn, candles, Billie Holiday and mint tea.
Tomorrow I'll be seeing him again.
Loneliness isn't so bad when you know it will end.
And whilst Billie is singing about what they cannot take away from her, 
and the rain paints the sky gray - I eat peanut butter and learn German.
Adieu.

Friday, 20 September 2013

a declaration of love to him


one and a half years ago I met a boy. I say boy but he was more a man. At least thats what he looked like from the outside. Even though the time we have known each other is only a small chapter of our lives, I have difficulties figuring out how I could wake up every morning and be happy without knowing him. It's strange to think about that someone who is defining my life and happiness now, was not even in my life this time two years ago. Someone who takes my breath away everyday, and someone who never stops making me laugh, and never stops making me love him more. Our love isn't perfect. Nothing is perfect. If it was perfect then the perfection would be an imperfection. His imperfection is what I love the most. A crooked nose and an odd shaped front tooth. His passion once he puts his mind to something, before he puts it away again to make room for some other great idea. I love his heavy breath on my skin when he is fast asleep, and how he wakes up in the middle of the night, kisses me and goes back to sleep.

I even love how capable he is of hurting me. How I cry my eyes out if I make him angry or sad. I beg for forgiveness, and he will look me straight in the eye, pull me close and kiss me like nothing ever happened. Then he wipes my tears and we laugh. The boy I met in York has meant more to me than any other person in the world could ever mean. Every moment away from him is a moment lost. When he is not around I am only half a soul. He has grown to become a part of who I have become over the past year. I have learned so much and grown so much. I have changed a lot. We have changed together. We have grown to know how the other feels and what the other thinks. We know what scares and what warms the heart. Him and I became a we. It doesn't matter if we are angry - we still hold hands while we walk down the street. When I don't deserve him that's when I want and need him the most. And I want to be his when he deserves it the least. It's impossible to describe the feeling I get when I think about him. He is not here at the moment. I am alone, and have been for weeks. I feel numb. I am waiting everyday. Nothing seems important anymore. I can't bring myself to do anything useful. But I know he will be back, and then as always I will run towards him and throw myself in his arms and refuse to let go. Then once again he and I will become we.

Thursday, 11 April 2013

Who am I?

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There comes a time in life when you suddenly stop and wonder "who am I?"
A time when you do not recognize yourself and the person you have become. You realize that you have been so busy that you have forgotten to consider all your dreams and expectations as well as your true identity. I am there now. I do not recognize myself anymore. I used to be so different. One changes as one goes along this path called life, but I fear I have reached a point when everything I used to love and be is somehow a stranger to me. I used to play the guitar and now I cannot for the life of me remember any chords. I loved to read, but now all I read is school books. There was a time when I constantly had pretty poems in my head just waiting to get down on paper and I wrote stories all the time. My thoughts weren't just my thoughts, but my hideout when I wasn't happy with the rest of the world. I marveled at the small things in life and tried to capture them on camera.

What am I now? I wake up, go to school and when I come home I am too tired to be creative or to use my head for anything productive. My head is full of worries and I don't have time to think for the pleasure of it. I only have time to think about subjects in school and how far behind I am. Sometimes I stare into a void of nothingness - completely empty. I can do it for hours. When I'm conversing I have the hardest time standing my ground because I don't know what my ground is anymore.
The exams are closing in as well and I have never felt more unprepared. I wish I could just jump past it and enjoy the summer. For me the most important thing is to know who you are and to learn how to love yourself. It's the foundation for everything else in life. I do not love myself at the moment. That would be like loving a stranger, for that is what I am to myself at the moment - a stranger.
Not that I'm not happy at the moment - I am. I just feel empty and I just wish I could find a way to get acquainted with myself again. I want to find a way to stop worrying, procrastinating and exhausting myself, and in stead love, enjoy and feel free.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

failing

and it seems now my dear, that I find it hard to love you
like the sand in an hour glass, our love slips right through
I force the feelings out, tell myself they are real
but I am too numb, the tears on my face are all that I feel
eventually I tire, but can find no rest in my bed
still awake I wonder, was not our love enough fed?
we had something beautiful, delicate like a sunflower
so what happened, how could we let or love be devoured?
I still love in my thoughts, wishing the passion would come
but what does that help, it is you that I run from
oh how i loved you my dear, you were my sun and my moon
i still want to feel that, still hoping it will happen soon
although my heart fails to love you, I hope it will find it's way
my happiness depends on them, the three words I want to say

Friday, 28 September 2012

Eternal love

I told him I would be there soon. To kiss him, touch him, make love to him and hold him.
He answered he was possessed with the thought of me coming.
I smiled and said we couldn't be certain that the plain would not crash.
His voice turned serious.
Determined, he answered that he would kill himself if I died.
I laughed it away.
I said you would go a couple of months perhaps, but then find someone new to love.
His voice was strong and firm when he replied;
"No, I cannot live in a world that doesn't have you in it. I love you and that is forever"
He brought me to silence

Sunday, 16 September 2012

she waited 'till the morning sun rose and waited to catch her breath. Then she put on her best dress and went down the stairs. The morning fog lay thick as she continued down the stone path, while praying to God that her wishes would come through. The sun peaked through the trees as she walked through the woods. The moss was wet with morning rain and the trees whispered secrets with the wind. Eventually she reached the clearing and the meadow appeared before her eyes. She breathed heavily but not with exhaustion but with expectation. Her steps were soundless as she floated through the wet grass. Her long dress lightly touching the ground, slowly drenching as she walked. Suddenly she stood there, in the middle of the field. The corn swaying softly in the wind. Disappointing struck her as a bullet from a gun and she was just about to leave, when he appeared on the other side of the field. They both walked towards each other with admiration in their eyes. Then they met halfway and stood there watching each other until the sun hit their faces and blinded their sight.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

And she said, tonight the sun will sink into the sea and reveal another day, and tomorrow I'll love you more. Every look, glimpse or glance brings me closer to you. She breathed out and stood to look him directly in the face before putting his hand on her closed eyes and she whispered, and if you should never see tomorrow then know that i'd be blind. For your the light reflected through my eyes, without you there is none. She lifted his hands from her eyes and put one finger on her mouth. Softly she whispered, and if you should ever leave, heaven forbid you will. I should never speak again for there would be nothing speaking of. People might preach as they do but I would not utter a word. My lips sealed be, my words unspoken. She lifted his arms off her body and stood to examine him. He stood motionless with hands hanging down until he smirked and replied, don't fear my love for there would never be such a day. If we die we die together, if we love we love each other and so our life goes on. The sun may set the sun might rise but the moon shines just the same. So my love's inspired by the moon. The shimmer and the dark stays faithful, impossible to shake. Sometimes you might only see half my love but you shall always know that behind those dark, thick clouds the rest will always be. And forty years from now you'll wake up in my arms, remembering this very moment and you'll know that every promise I will keep and my love shall never grow weak. So he took her hands and bent so their foreheads rested upon each other. He closed his eyes and the world outside disappeared. Only she existed now. And it remained like that for the rest of their lives.

Friday, 31 August 2012

something my thoughts created

And you shall cry out
I will hear
With the forest as your witness and flowers in your hair
The days will shorten and your nails grow longer
peaceful as an empty bottle of wine
takes more than a touch to feel fine
and you shall dance through the meadow
the skies cry rainbows
we untangled fingers as the sun rose
pictures fall like autumn leafs
we ride the wind with pride
nothing's allowed but we won't be denied


Thursday, 23 August 2012

my love

I love you
don't make me wait
I need you
come back to me please
My tears fall
you're not wiping them
I'm alone
you're far away
Love me
that's all I ask
Come closer
I'm begging you
My love
please

Thursday, 9 February 2012

broken curse

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For so long I was lost in a nightmare
lived each day in loneliness and despair
forever darkness was all I could see
but then this light came to surround me
protect me with your unbreakable wing
i'm fragile but i'll let you in 
broken glass from the pas is repaired 
the curse is broken - i no longer feel scared

Sunday, 15 January 2012

pure white dove

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pretty white dove so high soaring
you're flying high though your wings are tearing
your exhausted body can take no more
somehow you forgot what you're still here for
you rest your feet in an olive tree
silently you pray for the world to let you be
for your life you thank while raising your head to the sky
all those years, those decades you've been flying high 
forever you've been pleasing with your carefree songs
but now you're ready to carry on to the place where the past belongs

This poem is dedicated to my lovely grandma who's now in a caring home.
She is now very ill and wishes to pas on. I love you so much grandma. 
You have been such an inspiration to me for all these years. 
I wish that I could be there for you in these tough times. 
You're always in my thoughts. 

Friday, 13 January 2012

waiting for your return

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tracing your picture with my crooked finger
there's nothing left but somehow you linger
you disclosed my heart and possessed my soul
this possession i know creates a growing hole
they say you'll learn to forget with time
how can I move on when you're still not mine? 
A photograph - a memory is all that remains
a rush of blood running through my veins
You don't even want to know me no more 
So I ask myself - what am I still waiting for?

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Happy New Year

I don't know if there is anybody reading this blog and I feel that I don't really mind that, because I am writing these poems more for myself than for other people. If there however are some people out there then this is just a little look into my mind. As you may have noticed I write mostly poems about sorrow caused by heartache. All I write is written at the time when I am going through something that is related to the poem that I produce. I know my poems aren't great in any way, but I don't edit them. The words fall out of the blue in that moment. Once they are written down I don't fix anything. I just press the publish button. None of the pictures however are taken by me. They come from www.weheartit.com, a site I really love.

It's such a relief for me to have this blog where I can get some of my feelings out even if there may only be two people reading it. It is good to get it out there in stead of keeping it inside. You see, I used to struggle a lot with depressions and other hurtful things, but I got passed it. Sometimes however things build up real bad and I think that if I do not get them out then I am in danger of falling back into the black hole that I used to live in for a while.

But happy new year people! 
I will not say that I will try to update more because I won't. I only update when I need to lift something off my chest.

Saturday, 31 December 2011

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I love you though you wish I did not
You rip my heart out but can't make it's beat stop
My mind executed and your words the sharpest knifes
Both of us fighting as if for our lives
All the blood I've given was given of free will
Had no idea it was a weapon you would use to kill
As I am aching and you're winning the war
I will cherish all the pain and never regret that it went that far

Saturday, 17 December 2011

rain

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rain wash away my trouble and sin
i was vulnerable when I let him in 
no words remains to make him mine
he shut me out and drew a line 
hopelessness driving me insane
crying and begging all in vain 
rain wash away my sin and trouble
pour me a drink and make it a double