Thursday, 8 October 2015



It's bleak outside. Dark clowds are surrounding the mountains, the houses, the city I left you for. Memories of you are jumping out from behind every corner I turn, every song I hear. Ghosts are haunting me when I close my eyes. I can't sleep. Whispers of words spoken can be heard in every gust of wind. It's cold. It's empty. I want to tell you about the things I have seen, done and thought, but you are not there to listen. I have started a new journey, but you are not to be found in the passenger seat. I have to travel alone. It is lonely. Your radiance shone on every aspect of my life, now the remaining light is weak. Every part of my day is a reminder of you. Taking a shower, smoking a cigarette, watching tv, going for a walk, listening to music, watching a film. You are ever present. You are still a part. You are still the most incredible person I have ever met. You are still there in everything. I cannot be alone. The hunger for you pulls me under. You cannot be washed away. Not ever. Like the scar on your arm from the time I acidentally scratched you, you persist on being imprinted on my very soul. He would have loved this, he would have laughed, he would have cared, he would have wanted to go, he would never have said that, he would have made it better. Everytime. You are not there when I wake up, not there during the day and not there when I go to bed. You are absent. You are living your life. I wish I could see you live it. I cannot. You are not patience, not kind, not loving, not funny, not anymore. Not to me. I am no longer your plus one. I am only minus you. But I breathe you. I hear your voice in crowds, but you are not there. I talk of you, but not to you. Our life together is becoming a distant memory. To me there are only good ones. Only good fights, good tears, good mistakes, because they were with you. I will always love you. Everything in my life is temporary, changing, fading, but not that. This is the only true truth I know. It is not to be argued with, not to be shaken and not to be changed. It hurts knowing this truth. But it is a good pain. Because I am hurting over you. I would not want to have it any other way. I know that one day you will find her. The one. She who deserves you, makes you happy, completes you. I do not really care if I find anybody. I was already luckier than anybody deserves to be at such a young age. I had you. I will hate her. I will. But only because she will be what I never could be. She will have you. I hate her already although I do not even know if she exists yet. Just do not forget me. I beg you. Please do not only remeber what I lacked but also our travels, our laughs, our love and everything that was only ours. And most importantly - be happy. Please. I am not sure what anybody in this world deserves or does not, but I know that from all of us you are the one who deserves happiness the most. Live, love, laugh. Maybe we meet again. If we are meant to.
I miss you.

- Me

Monday, 14 September 2015

Paths are parting

All your life, all the time
questions of self follow you around
who to be and what to think 
will I sail or shall I sink?

Come the day of darkness
the day that feels so hopeless
when you have grown too weak
the demons dancing in your street

who do I let in?
do I choose me or him?
Will it all go up in flames
Shall I like the person that remains?

Thursday, 13 August 2015


I tried to like you for awhile
'Though you always acted like a child
believing yourself always right
oh dear, what poor self-insight
you said you don't care
Although you secretly fear
to become insignificant
while you're painfully ignorant
one day you'll hit the wall
but there won't be someone to call
you might have a phone
but you're all alone
because they don't give a fuck
your heart is a rock

Wednesday, 10 June 2015


let yourself believe that the world is not a place for a monster
although its tearing out the light that shone there
treating your flesh like an open buffet
while you wait for it to all fade to grey
they are creeping in the darkness feeling no shame
your vounerable body feels that it's to blame
you cry, you struggle
but for it you're no trouble
 scratching and screaming all in vain
it got what it came for and left you insane

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

ode to summer

The sun makes everything pretty. Every alley, every house, every smile.
The people in the streets are glowing. I can't help but watch for awhile.
The forest is full of life. Birds join eagerly in conversation.
I rub my bare feet in the sand. It is a beautiful sensation.
The smell of the grass, the strawberries, sunscreen and tan.
Music in the park, bonfire in the night, when we walk hand in hand.
the sunshine paints freckles on our noses, the air is full of vibration.
The cowbells chime in the distance. The whole world is on vacation.

Thursday, 5 February 2015

You´re the sun that warms my face
your kindness and love a delightful maze
I’m not scared of getting lost or tired
Because tight to your heart I’m always wired
So send me your kisses so lovely
I’ll save them for rainy days when I’m lonely
Little did I know a love like this to exist
or that my darling could be so painfully missed
Never shall you doubt my affections to be true
My sweet angel, never forget - I love you.


can you hear that - not a sound
they are sleeping - not around
when the world is quiet - my mind set fires
screaming, aching - it never tires
               one eye shut - the other crying
            one more night -  I feel like dying

Thursday, 8 January 2015

There is hope

The sun will rise and shine its beams
upon the fishes in the river streams
The breeze will dance and caress your cheek
whilst the birds out of there nests will peak
There will be laughter, song and happiness
All the sorrows felt before so meaningless
You'll see there is no need to elope
turn your face to the sky - there is hope

Thursday, 23 October 2014

Each night spent the same
searching for answers all in vain
wandering and looking for something true
something beautiful that will purify and make the old new
fumbling around in endless shadows 
when all that's desired is floating in meadows
the screams of sorrow echoing in your soul
do you find that truth that makes you whole?

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

The struggle inside of me
is it really invisible, so hard to see?
Can you not see me gasp for air
how I grasp my heart in fear
This chaos tearing down my walls
is it not loud when the darkness falls?
These demons toying with my sanity
can you not hear their snarls so far from humanity?

As I crumble on the ground
with lights of warning all around
I see my life for what it was
an endless stream of suffering and loss
The soul cannot take flight
The body too tired to fight
The light seems to flicker no more
what is it that I'm looking for?

Friday, 29 August 2014

So there he sat. Consumed in the imaginary bubble he wrapped around himself to ease the pain. With his knees tucked hard under his fragile body and his hands covering his head, he sat shaking himself gently back and forth whilst humming uncontrollably in a language known to no man. The blackness came in waves that threatened to break through the bubble at any moment, shattering his world to pieces, flushing the knife closer to shore, closer to his hands. It was bleak, a gray tone most would recognize as black. Tainted even. Desperate he blocked out the world. The cries of unborn babies, the sharp sounds of gunshot that hadn't yet been fired and the last breaths taken by people not yet dead. Time went by as he sat there, waisting away. The decay of what his life had become staring him in the face. "Don't look." twilight becomes dark, the darkness starts to flutter, morning approaches. Weak and shaky he stands to his feet, he tries to escape the bubble but in vain. He is on the floor, crawling, begging. With the very last of hope, he leaps once more. He is free. He lies breathing heavily on the floor. He is safe. For now. Until tomorrow at twilight when his inner demons would return once more.

I found this in a document somewhere. I wrote it when I felt claustrophobic one day 

Friday, 22 August 2014

 painted my heart in the colors of your blood
went in too deep, got caught in the flood
the ache in my soul won't put me to sleep
spending each night the same, clutching the sheet
my love declined and my soul in the dirt
still you pretend you're the only one hurt
I cannot deny that I killed what we had
but to live it like this is depressingly sad

Monday, 11 August 2014


Let the rain poor down on my wounded head 
I'm losing count of the tears I've shed
Once the silence fall
You can hear me call
I have lost my way
Will you save me?

We were good, you an me
But I was too blind, couldn't see
All I wanted was to be your girl
Then I destroyed our world
When my demons torment me 
Can you see me?

I will never forget
I won't catch my breath
You'll always linger here
Although I know you do not care
When I dream of you
Can you feel me?

So I lost my heart
You won't give me a new start
You packed away your feelings and moved on
I've tried so hard but my love will not be gone
When I fade away
Will you feel it?

Thursday, 26 September 2013

I'll be seeing you

Autumn, candles, Billie Holiday and mint tea.
Tomorrow I'll be seeing him again.
Loneliness isn't so bad when you know it will end.
And whilst Billie is singing about what they cannot take away from her, 
and the rain paints the sky gray - I eat peanut butter and learn German.

Friday, 20 September 2013

a declaration of love to him

one and a half years ago I met a boy. I say boy but he was more a man. At least thats what he looked like from the outside. Even though the time we have known each other is only a small chapter of our lives, I have difficulties figuring out how I could wake up every morning and be happy without knowing him. It's strange to think about that someone who is defining my life and happiness now, was not even in my life this time two years ago. Someone who takes my breath away everyday, and someone who never stops making me laugh, and never stops making me love him more. Our love isn't perfect. Nothing is perfect. If it was perfect then the perfection would be an imperfection. His imperfection is what I love the most. A crooked nose and an odd shaped front tooth. His passion once he puts his mind to something, before he puts it away again to make room for some other great idea. I love his heavy breath on my skin when he is fast asleep, and how he wakes up in the middle of the night, kisses me and goes back to sleep.

I even love how capable he is of hurting me. How I cry my eyes out if I make him angry or sad. I beg for forgiveness, and he will look me straight in the eye, pull me close and kiss me like nothing ever happened. Then he wipes my tears and we laugh. The boy I met in York has meant more to me than any other person in the world could ever mean. Every moment away from him is a moment lost. When he is not around I am only half a soul. He has grown to become a part of who I have become over the past year. I have learned so much and grown so much. I have changed a lot. We have changed together. We have grown to know how the other feels and what the other thinks. We know what scares and what warms the heart. Him and I became a we. It doesn't matter if we are angry - we still hold hands while we walk down the street. When I don't deserve him that's when I want and need him the most. And I want to be his when he deserves it the least. It's impossible to describe the feeling I get when I think about him. He is not here at the moment. I am alone, and have been for weeks. I feel numb. I am waiting everyday. Nothing seems important anymore. I can't bring myself to do anything useful. But I know he will be back, and then as always I will run towards him and throw myself in his arms and refuse to let go. Then once again he and I will become we.