Thursday, 13 August 2015

Cheers

I tried to like you for awhile
'Though you always acted like a child
believing yourself always right
oh dear, what poor self-insight
you said you don't care
Although you secretly fear
to become insignificant
while you're painfully ignorant
 
one day you'll hit the wall
but there won't be someone to call
you might have a phone
but you're all alone
because they don't give a fuck
your heart is a rock



Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Rape

let yourself believe that the world is not a place for a monster
although its tearing out the light that shone there
treating your flesh like an open buffet
while you wait for it to all fade to grey
they are creeping in the darkness feeling no shame
your vounerable body feels that it's to blame
you cry, you struggle
but for it you're no trouble
 scratching and screaming all in vain
it got what it came for and left you insane

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

ode to summer


The sun makes everything pretty. Every alley, every house, every smile.
The people in the streets are glowing. I can't help but watch for awhile.
The forest is full of life. Birds join eagerly in conversation.
I rub my bare feet in the sand. It is a beautiful sensation.
The smell of the grass, the strawberries, sunscreen and tan.
Music in the park, bonfire in the night, when we walk hand in hand.
the sunshine paints freckles on our noses, the air is full of vibration.
The cowbells chime in the distance. The whole world is on vacation.

Thursday, 5 February 2015

You´re the sun that warms my face
your kindness and love a delightful maze
I’m not scared of getting lost or tired
Because tight to your heart I’m always wired
So send me your kisses so lovely
I’ll save them for rainy days when I’m lonely
Little did I know a love like this to exist
or that my darling could be so painfully missed
Never shall you doubt my affections to be true
My sweet angel, never forget - I love you.

Insomnia

can you hear that - not a sound
they are sleeping - not around
when the world is quiet - my mind set fires
screaming, aching - it never tires
               one eye shut - the other crying
            one more night -  I feel like dying

Thursday, 8 January 2015

There is hope

The sun will rise and shine its beams
upon the fishes in the river streams
The breeze will dance and caress your cheek
whilst the birds out of there nests will peak
There will be laughter, song and happiness
All the sorrows felt before so meaningless
You'll see there is no need to elope
turn your face to the sky - there is hope

Thursday, 23 October 2014

Each night spent the same
searching for answers all in vain
wandering and looking for something true
something beautiful that will purify and make the old new
fumbling around in endless shadows 
when all that's desired is floating in meadows
the screams of sorrow echoing in your soul
do you find that truth that makes you whole?

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

The struggle inside of me
is it really invisible, so hard to see?
Can you not see me gasp for air
how I grasp my heart in fear
This chaos tearing down my walls
is it not loud when the darkness falls?
These demons toying with my sanity
can you not hear their snarls so far from humanity?

As I crumble on the ground
with lights of warning all around
I see my life for what it was
an endless stream of suffering and loss
The soul cannot take flight
The body too tired to fight
The light seems to flicker no more
what is it that I'm looking for?

Friday, 29 August 2014

So there he sat. Consumed in the imaginary bubble he wrapped around himself to ease the pain. With his knees tucked hard under his fragile body and his hands covering his head, he sat shaking himself gently back and forth whilst humming uncontrollably in a language known to no man. The blackness came in waves that threatened to break through the bubble at any moment, shattering his world to pieces, flushing the knife closer to shore, closer to his hands. It was bleak, a gray tone most would recognize as black. Tainted even. Desperate he blocked out the world. The cries of unborn babies, the sharp sounds of gunshot that hadn't yet been fired and the last breaths taken by people not yet dead. Time went by as he sat there, waisting away. The decay of what his life had become staring him in the face. "Don't look." twilight becomes dark, the darkness starts to flutter, morning approaches. Weak and shaky he stands to his feet, he tries to escape the bubble but in vain. He is on the floor, crawling, begging. With the very last of hope, he leaps once more. He is free. He lies breathing heavily on the floor. He is safe. For now. Until tomorrow at twilight when his inner demons would return once more.


I found this in a document somewhere. I wrote it when I felt claustrophobic one day 

Friday, 22 August 2014

 painted my heart in the colors of your blood
went in too deep, got caught in the flood
the ache in my soul won't put me to sleep
spending each night the same, clutching the sheet
my love declined and my soul in the dirt
still you pretend you're the only one hurt
I cannot deny that I killed what we had
but to live it like this is depressingly sad

Monday, 11 August 2014

Regret

Let the rain poor down on my wounded head 
I'm losing count of the tears I've shed
Once the silence fall
You can hear me call
I have lost my way
Will you save me?

We were good, you an me
But I was too blind, couldn't see
All I wanted was to be your girl
Then I destroyed our world
When my demons torment me 
Can you see me?

I will never forget
I won't catch my breath
You'll always linger here
Although I know you do not care
When I dream of you
Can you feel me?

So I lost my heart
You won't give me a new start
You packed away your feelings and moved on
I've tried so hard but my love will not be gone
When I fade away
Will you feel it?

Thursday, 26 September 2013

I'll be seeing you

                     
Autumn, candles, Billie Holiday and mint tea.
Tomorrow I'll be seeing him again.
Loneliness isn't so bad when you know it will end.
And whilst Billie is singing about what they cannot take away from her, 
and the rain paints the sky gray - I eat peanut butter and learn German.
Adieu.

Friday, 20 September 2013

a declaration of love to him


one and a half years ago I met a boy. I say boy but he was more a man. At least thats what he looked like from the outside. Even though the time we have known each other is only a small chapter of our lives, I have difficulties figuring out how I could wake up every morning and be happy without knowing him. It's strange to think about that someone who is defining my life and happiness now, was not even in my life this time two years ago. Someone who takes my breath away everyday, and someone who never stops making me laugh, and never stops making me love him more. Our love isn't perfect. Nothing is perfect. If it was perfect then the perfection would be an imperfection. His imperfection is what I love the most. A crooked nose and an odd shaped front tooth. His passion once he puts his mind to something, before he puts it away again to make room for some other great idea. I love his heavy breath on my skin when he is fast asleep, and how he wakes up in the middle of the night, kisses me and goes back to sleep.

I even love how capable he is of hurting me. How I cry my eyes out if I make him angry or sad. I beg for forgiveness, and he will look me straight in the eye, pull me close and kiss me like nothing ever happened. Then he wipes my tears and we laugh. The boy I met in York has meant more to me than any other person in the world could ever mean. Every moment away from him is a moment lost. When he is not around I am only half a soul. He has grown to become a part of who I have become over the past year. I have learned so much and grown so much. I have changed a lot. We have changed together. We have grown to know how the other feels and what the other thinks. We know what scares and what warms the heart. Him and I became a we. It doesn't matter if we are angry - we still hold hands while we walk down the street. When I don't deserve him that's when I want and need him the most. And I want to be his when he deserves it the least. It's impossible to describe the feeling I get when I think about him. He is not here at the moment. I am alone, and have been for weeks. I feel numb. I am waiting everyday. Nothing seems important anymore. I can't bring myself to do anything useful. But I know he will be back, and then as always I will run towards him and throw myself in his arms and refuse to let go. Then once again he and I will become we.

Thursday, 11 April 2013

Who am I?

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There comes a time in life when you suddenly stop and wonder "who am I?"
A time when you do not recognize yourself and the person you have become. You realize that you have been so busy that you have forgotten to consider all your dreams and expectations as well as your true identity. I am there now. I do not recognize myself anymore. I used to be so different. One changes as one goes along this path called life, but I fear I have reached a point when everything I used to love and be is somehow a stranger to me. I used to play the guitar and now I cannot for the life of me remember any chords. I loved to read, but now all I read is school books. There was a time when I constantly had pretty poems in my head just waiting to get down on paper and I wrote stories all the time. My thoughts weren't just my thoughts, but my hideout when I wasn't happy with the rest of the world. I marveled at the small things in life and tried to capture them on camera.

What am I now? I wake up, go to school and when I come home I am too tired to be creative or to use my head for anything productive. My head is full of worries and I don't have time to think for the pleasure of it. I only have time to think about subjects in school and how far behind I am. Sometimes I stare into a void of nothingness - completely empty. I can do it for hours. When I'm conversing I have the hardest time standing my ground because I don't know what my ground is anymore.
The exams are closing in as well and I have never felt more unprepared. I wish I could just jump past it and enjoy the summer. For me the most important thing is to know who you are and to learn how to love yourself. It's the foundation for everything else in life. I do not love myself at the moment. That would be like loving a stranger, for that is what I am to myself at the moment - a stranger.
Not that I'm not happy at the moment - I am. I just feel empty and I just wish I could find a way to get acquainted with myself again. I want to find a way to stop worrying, procrastinating and exhausting myself, and in stead love, enjoy and feel free.

Friday, 28 September 2012

Eternal love

I told him I would be there soon. To kiss him, touch him, make love to him and hold him.
He answered he was possessed with the thought of me coming.
I smiled and said we couldn't be certain that the plain would not crash.
His voice turned serious.
Determined, he answered that he would kill himself if I died.
I laughed it away.
I said you would go a couple of months perhaps, but then find someone new to love.
His voice was strong and firm when he replied;
"No, I cannot live in a world that doesn't have you in it. I love you and that is forever"
He brought me to silence